This Floating Poo Was Way Too Symbolic! These Are the Television Disappointments of the Year.
As we reflect on the television offerings of the recent year, a handful of series emerge not for their excellence, but for their spectacular failures. Ranging from cringe-inducing spin-offs to confusingly poor docuseries, here are the programmes that left us utterly bewildered or simply reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
Where to begin with this love/hate follow-up? Burdened with dreadful writing, painful character development (justice for Miranda!), and a paltry 71 seconds of fan-favourite Samantha, the show fought to find its footing. Briefly, as the third series started, it seemed as if it had at last found its groove. Then arrived an installment centered on Seema’s natural deodorant. Little surprise the showrunner declared this would be the final season. It ended on a bum note; the lingering shot of Miranda’s toilet flooded with poo was just way too symbolic. Still, viewers certainly found joy dissecting every single “wtf?” moment. And as Carrie – a single woman once more – twirled around her sprawling townhouse to Barry White, who couldn't release a little sob?
All’s Fair
‘Is Kim Kardashian an actress? The answer is a resounding no.’
But that was practically the least of this show's problems. The recipient of a very rare zero star assessment, it was difficult to know where to start enumerating the flaws. The laughably wooden dialogue? The mind-numbing glorification of affluence and materialism? The seemingly wilful procession of cliches? Acting so bad they felt borderline spiteful? Let’s just say “all of the above” and never speak of this series again. Except, a second season has been ordered, so we’re likely going to have to.
AKA Charlie Sheen
Considering the restraining orders, domestic violence allegations and parental shortcomings, it’s fair to say Charlie Sheen has been a bad boy. Not that you’d really have known it from this three-part docuseries which chuckled along at Sheen’s various episodes of self-destructive hedonism while struggling to tell us anything we didn’t already know. Instead, it felt as if this volatile personality was being pandered to, so any pity this show might induce should be reserved for the people who have had to suffer close contact with this charming but flippant narcissist.
The Iris Affair
Of course we understood it was preposterous from the get-go: a thriller about a AI known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either solve global crises – or destroy all of humanity. We stuck with it out of sheer love for its leads … but by the end, it felt like even they had given up trying. One scarcely cared when his character died, and the other ultimately hacking Charlie with an axe … in painfully slow-motion. Talk about giving up the ghost.
The Gangster Drama
Shady characters convening in empty boxing gyms? The Prodigy’s Firestarter jackhammering away in club scenes? The late 90s called and demands its gangland drama back.
In truth, that is unfair on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many seem a little old-fashioned now, but at least they didn’t suffer the ignominy of having to indulge unconvincing dialects. But there were many other issues. Primarily that it was just really dull; a conflict over narcotics territory between various cockney rogues which felt rather simplistic.
With Love, Meghan
Given the degree to which she provokes the ire of certain performatively angry commentators, it’s temptingly tempting to applaud the Duchess of Sussex’s televised ventures into quaint lifestyle as deliberate provocations. But then you view them and are compelled to concede that actually, they might have a point. It’s like watching a homeware catalogue come to life; a meme for wine o’clock with delusions of grandeur; a procession of snoozing dogs, buzzing beehives, Hallmark sayings and pointless crafting “hacks” you’ll forget instantly. All supported by immense, largely undeserved wealth. Ugh.
The Beckham Documentary
There are clearly fascinating things to be said about regarding Victoria Beckham and her struggles with vocation, identity, self-worth. But for whatever reason, this documentary series chose not to say them. Rather, the viewing was akin to consuming a sales brochure. She clearly has every right to resent what she describes as her “stern” image. But sadly, she failed to do herself any helps with this cagey non-event of a series.
The Game Show
It should have been the next big hit – except even more extravagant, with a famous star as a deceased benefactor and a sharp-tongued personality overseeing her inheritance. What more could you want? As players competed, there was plenty of betrayal and arguing. But the rules quickly became bewildering: it’s even now too confusing to detail what precisely was happening. Even more disappointingly, we only saw glimpses of the star via filmed videos. The series ended up reeking of a programme that was trying way too hard to emulate something way beyond it.
Too Much
How does one succeed a show that defined a generation? The expectation was immense for this glitzy romcom about Jessica, a rosy-eyed New Yorker who arrives in London with a shattered romance. The star seized the opportunity by the horns and was joyous to watch, embodying Austen levels of romantic notions. But it was all very slick and, paradoxically, was insufficient. Plus, the sheer amount of famous cameos involved felt icky.
The Sketch Show Return
Not good enough to be ‘patchy’.
Given the smart inclusion of gifted younger comics, expectations were high. But unhappily, most of it didn’t land. A particular sketch was a single joke stretched to a dry pulp but recurring in every episode. One star seemed too ready to slip into a familiar ranting mode. The behind-the-scenes sketches, meanwhile, simply inspired the idea that they should probably have remained in there a while longer.
The Knox Dramatisation
This retelling of the story of Amanda Knox was executive produced by Amanda Knox and pretty much solely presented the viewpoint of Amanda Knox. So, while there probably is an compelling drama to be made about the tragic 2007 murder, this isn’t it. The material needed to be handled with care. Instead, the series laboured awkwardly to find the right tone, lumbering from strangely jaunty, somewhat mannered farce to inevitably, real-life horror. Twisted? Arguably. A total mess? Very much so.
The Maths Genius Thriller
We admire the star … but did we believe him playing the greatest maths genius since, a man so smart he’s on the verge of a breakthrough that could destabilise society? Nope! This globe-trotting thriller about secret services spying on – and eliminating – intellectuals frankly got more farcical by the second. Silliness-by-numbers.
The Bonnie Blue Documentary
This hagiography followed the content creator notorious for sexual escapades as she prepared for her most extreme challenge yet. What on earth would possess her? What we wanted was way more interrogation of her actual psychology, plus those of the men in the queue. They could at least have interviewed the legendary mum who showed up to haul her son away from the queue. What we got was disturbing imagery and absolutely no interrogation of her notoriety whatsoever. And to think, the documentary-maker has a teenage daughter too.